| "Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks" | | | | goggles and a helmet. Listen, I might look dumb |
| Forrest said to Jennie. | | | | walking around in hundred-degree temperatures |
| Well, Forrest should have sent Jennie to my | | | | wearing this garb, but I learned my lesson after |
| house where rocks mate and produce offspring | | | | the first three trips to the ER for stitches. I still |
| faster than my husband and his shiny new | | | | suffer from brain damage. |
| lawnmower can get rid of them. Just when I think | | | | The county elected to put up a big yellow caution |
| there is not another rock left on the planet, | | | | sign near the house with an arrow pointing toward |
| Hubby finds a brand new family of them hiding in | | | | our yard with lights flashing the words: HUBBY |
| the grass like hornets. Each time I think he has | | | | MOWING. No one will drive by the house when |
| mowed over and slung the last surviving rock into | | | | the caution light is on except the Wells Fargo |
| the next county, he discovers a new batch. The | | | | truck or someone driving a tank. Terrified parents |
| man has never met a lawnmower he couldn't | | | | rush outside and drag their children to safety. The |
| destroy. So far in the eight years we've been | | | | dogs cower under the front porch and the cattle |
| married, he has managed to completely demolish | | | | kneel in the fields in an attempt to dodge the |
| nine lawnmowers of his own and the one he | | | | sparks and the rocks flying from beneath the |
| borrowed from our neighbor. With his patronage | | | | wheels of the roaring machine pushed by a |
| alone, the owners of Mowers-R-Us have been | | | | madman with no shirt at a speed of thirty-five |
| able to put all six of their kids through college. | | | | miles per hour. |
| Not to mention his contribution to the lumber | | | | When it's finally safe to go outside again, I walk |
| industry. Our neighborhood resembles a town | | | | around the house and survey the carnage. I count |
| along the gulf coast during hurricane season. At | | | | the broken windows and the holes in the siding. |
| the first sign of Spring, when mowing season | | | | The house looks like the aftermath of a drive-by |
| begins, the neighbors immediately begin nailing | | | | shooting, or like it's been attacked by Zorro with |
| plywood over their windows. Reports of Hubby's | | | | an AK47 instead of a sword. I point out the |
| intent to mow are announced on the six o'clock | | | | shattered panes in the bay window. Hubby shrugs |
| news. Sometimes they interrupt the regularly | | | | and reminds me that the window needed |
| scheduled programing for a lawnmower alert. The | | | | replacing anyway...after all it's three month old. I |
| local weather forecast goes something like this: | | | | just smile and nod. He assures me he will pick up |
| "Expect partly cloudy skies this evening, with a | | | | a replacement window on his way to get a new |
| twenty percent chance of rain by morning. | | | | lawnmower. |
| Northwest winds 10 mph or less. Temperatures | | | | I heave a sigh of relief that mowing season will |
| will be in the low to mid sixties and Mr. Hubby will | | | | soon be over. Then I remember the leaf blower |
| be mowing his lawn this evening. We strongly urge | | | | he bought last winter. I run to the garage and |
| all the folks in that area to be on the alert. At the | | | | read the operating instructions on the box. It |
| first sound of a lawnmower, seek shelter in a | | | | reads: Precaución: Motor de gran alcance. |
| basement or a closet. Stay tuned to this station in | | | | Utilice el cuidado extremo al trabajar en un |
| the event of an emergency evacuation." | | | | área que contenga rocas. |
| These aren't all little tiny pebbles either; most of | | | | Well, kiss my burrito! I can't read Spanish! Nor |
| them are full grown rocks. And hubby never | | | | French nor German. But I'm betting a brand new |
| misses a single one. He manages to hit each rock | | | | Snapper self-propelled mower-mulcher that if I |
| at least twice. Once on the forward sweep and | | | | could have found any English on the box it would |
| again on the backward drag. They pepper the | | | | have said: Warning. High velocity. Use with |
| house in a musical rhythm reminding me of that | | | | extreme caution in rocky areas? |
| old 60s tune called 'Wipe Out'. Add in a little fife | | | | Maybe I should phone the manufacturer. Maybe |
| music and it would sound like a regiment of Civil | | | | I'd better warn the neighbors. I have a headache. |
| War soldiers marching through the neighborhood. | | | | Did I mention I suffer from brain damage... |
| On the few times I go outside to help him, I wear | | | | |