| I've observed that Mexican music falls into two | | | | taking captive an entire bus load of helpless bus |
| classes. One is very, very good; the other is so | | | | passengers who just want to get from point A |
| horrible that it could quite possibly induce a | | | | to point B, and forcing them to endure what |
| nervous breakdown or at least a brain tumor | | | | doesn't even come close to passing for music. I |
| after forced, prolonged exposure. Listening to too | | | | think they should be dragged away and beaten, |
| much of the latter could be hazardous to your | | | | but no one ever asks me for an opinion about |
| health. | | | | anything in this town. |
| The orchestra here in Guanajuato is one of the | | | | And, I am talking about those who pay money to |
| finest I've ever heard, and I listen with a critical | | | | the so-called musicians and not the Musical |
| ear. I was a music major at the university many | | | | Inquisitors who dole out the agony. |
| decades ago. I majored in voice performance and | | | | Here is an additional benefit about the Bus |
| music theory. | | | | Musicians that I cannot forget to tell you. When |
| I've often been moved to tears of joyous | | | | the bus is full (as is usually the case), you, the |
| rapture listening to some the finest vocalists and | | | | passenger, will be afforded the distinct honor of |
| instrumentalists-all Mexicans. But, the most exciting | | | | getting cold-cocked by the guitar as the "musician" |
| thing is to see how many locals show up at the | | | | engages in his Songs of Death. You also might |
| concerts. The symphony is big here. I love that. | | | | have the privilege of a nice shower of spittle |
| Mariachi is also big here. In the city of Guanajuato, | | | | from the more radically rowdy spewing lips. |
| you will see some very traditionally dressed | | | | There is one guy, though I've yet to see him on |
| Mariachi bands in El Jardin (the main plaza). There | | | | the bus offering his version of tormenting people, |
| will be several of these bands playing all at once | | | | who is worth mentioning. He offers a really special |
| for different groups of tourists who are eating in | | | | treat. Though I would not normally understand |
| the restaurants or sitting on the benches. This | | | | one word spoken from his caterwauling mouth, I |
| results in what I call "The Mariachi Screech." | | | | understand him because he sings some of The |
| Playing instruments that are in tune and singing in | | | | Beatles' greatest hits. Even though he hacks on an |
| the same key as the instruments does not seem | | | | out-of-tune guitar and sings off-key, I can |
| to be a high priority with Mariachi bands. This, of | | | | recognize The Beatles. The horror is that he sings |
| course, results in an interestingly incomprehensible | | | | the songs in English. |
| cacophonous roar. But, amazingly, people pay | | | | His performing venues are the parks and plazas. |
| these guys to sing at their tables. It makes me | | | | He sits with his back to one of the many beautiful |
| wonder just how that affects their digestion. I can | | | | fountains. He has the "Jose Feliciano" look going |
| only speculate. | | | | for him, which accompanies his horrendously |
| Another form of music is what I call "The Bus | | | | frightening singing. |
| Musicians." I can't think of anyplace in the States | | | | The other day, he was butchering "I want to hold |
| where there is anything like this. Decades ago, | | | | your hand." It came out something like this: |
| when I traveled in New York and Philly, I saw a | | | | "Ah wanna hoe who haaaa... Ah wanna hoe who |
| lot of sidewalk performers with open instrument | | | | haaaa...and when ah tosh who ah fee apple |
| cases or hats where you could drop a buck or | | | | in-sigh..." |
| two but I never saw any Bus Musicians. | | | | And then, he got to the chorus, |
| Bus Musicians are people with guitars (or some | | | | "And when I touch you I feel happy inside. It's |
| other "instrument"...sometimes nothing more than | | | | such a feeling I can't hide." |
| a comb and a tin can...go figure!) who board the | | | | He began screeching and convulsing to such an |
| bus-no matter how crowded-and start wailing like | | | | extent he made women swoon with the vapors, |
| a cat that is being tortured horribly. The guitar | | | | made children cry, dogs faint, and shopkeepers |
| sound as though it has never been tuned. The | | | | come running out expecting to find someone |
| singer sings like he has needed to move his | | | | being murdered. |
| bowels for a terribly long time. Then, after he has | | | | His special musical number, however, is the song |
| finished his torture chamber musical number and | | | | "Twist and Shout." His version sounds something |
| has tortured all the passengers, he starts | | | | like this: |
| demanding money. | | | | "Twee who s-howt, Twee who s-howt. Com-ah. |
| These "musicians" ask for money and people | | | | Com-ah bay-bah..." and on and on. |
| actually pay them. | | | | Do you see what you are missing here in |
| This, of course, simply reinforces the behavior of | | | | Guanajuato, Mexico? |